Things We Leave Unsaid

The Torah portion we read this week is Pekudei, which means accounting. In it, Moses accounts for every donation collected for the Tabernacle and lists them in precise detail.

This got me thinking about the accounting we must make every so often to clear up unsettled issues. I am talking about a specific kind of issue—not just pleas for forgiveness we never made or insults we never took back. I am talking about things we should have said that we left unsaid or air we should have cleared but left cluttered.

Suppose you missed your friend’s birthday and were too distracted to call over the next few days. Two weeks later, you were available to call, but it felt awkward to call so late. After a month, you gave up and decided to leave it alone. You will call him next year on his birthday. Next year, you call and he doesn’t take your call. You wonder why and remember you missed his last birthday and never explained.

For you, it was simpler to leave things be. For your friend, it was probably a six-month dialectic. He kept wondering what he did or said to hurt you. He kept wondering what you were thinking. He spun all kinds of tales in his mind, positive and negative. The wonder gave way to angst and, finally, resentment and anger. In the end, the things left unsaid should have been said, and there is only one way to find them all. By doing periodic audits and clearing up whatever misunderstandings we left behind.

It Brews in Us

It is not just because things left unsaid brew in the minds of those we hurt. They also brew in our minds and hearts. Whatever caused us to forget that birthday or leave a sarcastic comment hanging without resolving it continues to brew inside us. If it was fear of admitting a fault, that fear remains if we don’t confront it. If it is a subconscious disappointment with our friend, it, too, remains. It will grow and find harsher forms of expression if we don’t address it.

Suppose you helped yourself to your friend’s jacket without asking permission. You are sure she won’t mind because you are such good friends. But stop and realize what just happened. You felt entitled to take something that wasn’t yours because it was available. You might think your friend will forgive you, but if you don’t confront this, what will happen to this feeling that you can take what is not yours? It will only grow with time. Is that something you can live with?

Whatever we leave unresolved continues to brew in us and hold us back. A part of us is unhealthy, and we ignore it at our peril. Worse, sometimes we are in denial. The best way to deal with it is to address it. But the ego does all it can to avoid admitting these faults. This is why we pretend to forget what we did. If we can’t forget it, we justify or dismiss it .

When we do this, we dismiss not just the rights of others but also our integrity and wellbeing. If we don’t nip it in the bud now, it will come back to bite us later.

Three Partners

This reminds me of a fascinating story. Three partners appeared before King Solomon’s court. They had dug a hole in the ground, buried their money, and sealed the hole, but when they returned to unseal the hole, the money was gone. Only they knew the hole’s location, so the thief had to be one of them,

King Solomon asked for some time to mull it over. The next day, he summoned them and asked them to help him solve a riddle.

A young lady got married. Shortly after the wedding, she remembered that as a young girl, she and a boy she knew exchanged vows to marry each other. She had forgotten about this vow, but now that she remembered, she asked her husband what they could do to fix it.

The husband replied that since a part of her belonged to the vow, and through the vow to that boy, that part was unavailable to their marriage. If they want their marriage, family, and blessings to be complete, they must travel to the lad and beg him to release her from the vow.

The husband brought along a vast sum of money, and they set out on their journey. After a long search, they found the young man and offered him the tidy sum in exchange for releasing her from the vow. The young man replied that he hardly remembered the vow and would never profit from such an unfortunate event. He released her from the vow and wished them every happiness.

The couple rejoiced and returned home. On the way, they were accosted and robbed. The woman began to cry. She told the bandit the entire story and said that a young man filled with vigor and passion could have claimed me and did not. You are an old man; surely you can let me and my husband go without harming us. Touched by her words, the thief freed them, returned their money, and sent them on their way.

King Solomon explained that ever since hearing this story, he couldn’t decide which of the story’s characters impressed him most. Was it the wife who addressed her long-forgotten vow and refused to bury it? Was it the husband who was prepared to part with a large sum of money to redeem his wife from her vow? Was it the young man who refused to take the money or the thief who returned it?

Each of the three partners replied in their own way. One said it was the wife respecting the oath she made when she was a girl. The second said it was the husband who offered to part with so much money to help his wife. The third said it was both the husband and the wife. But the boy was a fool for not taking the money offered to him.

King Solomon immediately pointed to the third partner and said, “You are the thief. Your words demonstrate that you feel entitled to money you did nothing to earn. If it becomes available, it is your right to take it.” Caught red-handed, the thief admitted his guilt.[1]

The Moral

This story speaks to us on so many levels. The wife could have ignored a silly childhood oath, but she recognized that she would ignore it at her peril. The oath would continue to bind her and impede her bond with her husband. The husband recognized the same and realized that being fully present and engaged is more important than vast sums of money.

Finally, the partner thought he got away with stealing his partner’s money. He could conceal his thievery but could not hide from his greed and avarice. Not for long. If King Solomon had not revealed his avarice, he would likely have gone on to steal larger and larger sums.

If we don’t check our bad traits, they continue to grow. The same applies to unsaid things and uncleared air. The air will continue to grow more and more cluttered. The impulse that drove us to shy away from clearing the air will only grow stronger and eventually get us in trouble.

Don’t hold yourself back, and don’t tamp yourself down. Say what needs to be said and clear the cluttered air. It will be a favor to those you left wondering. But most of all, it will be a favor for you.

[1] Sipurei Masiyot, Rabbeinu Nissim of Gerona.