Pointers on Hospitality

Let me begin by pointing out how profound this Mitzvah is. Abraham was visited by G-d Himself when the angels showed up. Abraham did not know they were angels; to him, they looked like ordinary humans. Yet, Abraham left G-d waiting and swiftly leaped to serve these passersby. From this, our sages inferred that the mitzvah of hospitality exceeds even the merit of hosting G-d.

I always imagined that the High Priest experienced the most significant spiritual achievement in the Holy of Holies on Yom Kippur. He was hosted by G-d. Can you imagine being hosted by G-d? Yet, hosting a guest is even more worthy than hosting G-d. With this in mind, let’s broaden our understanding of this Mitzvah to know how to fulfill it.

Don’t Overextend

It is usual for guests to feel uncomfortable about putting their hosts out. They prefer to be less of a burden. Yet, extending ourselves on their behalf is a pleasure for us hosts. How do we provide everything we want while making our guests feel comfortable?

The answer is to say little and do more. Abraham offered his guests water and bread, yet he prepared a lavish meal with many delicious courses. Don’t tell your guests you plan to provide a sumptuous meal. Invite them for a light lunch. The precise definition of light is, of course, relative. If you bring out a lavish meal and they object to being a burden, tell them this is considered a light meal in your home.[1]

Your Pleasure

At this point, your guests might object that it is too much. The correct response is to assure them that you derive immense pleasure from serving them. On the contrary, tell them that accepting your hospitality would be doing you a favour.

We derive this from Abraham’s language. When he offered the light meal, he said, “I will take a piece of bread.” Of course, he meant he would take bread from the house and serve it to them. But it is an unusual expression; why did he not say, “I will give you a piece of bread?”

The answer is that the guests do more for the host than the host does for the guest. The guests get a meal and a place to sleep. The host derives immense satisfaction and pleasure from providing for the guests. In addition, the host receives a Mitzvah greater than receiving G-d Himself. Abraham, therefore, said I will take a piece of bread. I will receive more from this than you.

We should do the same. When our guests feel uncomfortable about putting us out, we must impress upon them that the opposite is true. We are not giving them; we are receiving from them. They are doing us a tremendous favour by allowing us to serve them.

When A Small Meal Suffices

The Talmud (Baba Metzia 87a) says that Abraham wanted to give them bread baked with refined flour, and Sarah wanted to serve bread baked with coarse flour. The Talmud infers from this that women are stingier than men concerning hospitality.

This is a surprising inference because experience tells us different. In most cases, the woman extends herself on behalf of the guest and is most generous and kindly disposed toward guests. However, when you delve into the deeper meaning of these words, a new insight emerges.

We are often uncomfortable when guests appear if our cupboards are bare. What will we give them, we wonder. In the moment, we forget that guests don’t need a lavish meal to be comfortable. They need a warm, loving welcome, to be put at ease, and to feel at home. Whatever we give them to eat is a bonus.

Yet, if you are at the synagogue and see a stranger when your cupboards are bare, you might not invite the stranger. In the end, is the stranger better off being abandoned because you have little to give them at home, or is the stranger better off with a warm welcome and a place to rest with a light meal?

Men are often uncomfortable inviting strangers when all they have is a light meal. Abraham wanted to offer his guests bread baked with refined flour because he wanted the best for his guests. Yet, he worried that only course flour would be left if more guests came.

Sarah came to the rescue and reminded him that guests are also happy with coarse flour. She encouraged him to give away all the refined flour; don’t save any for the next guests. If anyone else comes, they will be happy with whatever we have. We can give them coarse flour, too, so long as we give it with love and make them feel at home.

Our sages spoke in brief language, so it seemed at first blush that they were critical of Sarah. It turns out that Sarah had better insight into human nature. This is reflected in contemporary women, too. The upshot is that if we have a large meal available, we should serve it. If we don’t, we should never hesitate to invite a guest. Sharing our home and our hearts is much more important than the content of our meal.

Considerate of their Time

Another lesson we can learn from Abraham is to consider our guests’ schedules. In our zeal to offer hospitality, we sometimes pressure guests to stay longer than they intended. Our intentions are pure; we want them to feel at home. But sometimes, our guests are made uncomfortable because they loathe to turn us down. Yet, their schedules don’t permit them to stay, putting them in a quandary.

Abraham invited his guests to rest up, have some water and bread, and continue on their way. He never pushed them out of the house, but he did tell them upfront that they could stay as long or as short as they liked. If they wanted, they could leave as soon as they had some water and bread.

Yes, we mentioned earlier that we offer a light meal but prepare a lavish feast. However, we don’t do so at the expense of our guests. We must accommodate their wishes if they are in a hurry and say so in words or demeanor. In that case, we must offer them a light meal and bid them farewell. After all, hospitality is about our guests, not ourselves.

We indeed gain more from hospitality than our guests, but only if we put them first. If we use them as an opportunity to earn more and more Mitzvot, it is not a Mitzvah at all. It is abuse, not hospitality. Hospitality is always about putting our guests first. When we put them first, we receive a Mitzvah.[2]

[1] Baba Metzia 87a and Maharsha ad loc. If you sense your guests are in a hurry, this does not apply (Ben Yehoyada ad loc.).

[2] This essay is based on the commentary of Korban He’ani on Genesis 18:4–6.