Parenting Advice from Abraham

The Torah tells us about a dispute between the shepherds of Abraham and the shepherds of his nephew Lot. G-d had promised the land of Canaan to the descendants of Abraham. Lot considered himself a descendant and felt entitled to the land. He instructed his shepherds to graze his herds on private lands because all of the land belonged to him. Abraham told his shepherds that the Divine promise would be implemented in the future. Privately owned land in the present was still off-limits to Abraham’s herds.

Abraham said to Lot, “Let there not be a dispute among us, for we are brothers. Let’s part ways; if you go left, I will go right. If you go right, I will go left” (Genesis 13:8–9). Indeed, Lot parted ways with his illustrious uncle and moved to the fertile, prosperous region of Sodom. On the surface, this sounds like Abraham was looking for a clean break. You and I can have nothing to do with each other. If you are on the left, I will go to the right. If you are on the right, I will cross over to the left. Wherever you are, I will not be. I will forever oppose you.

This sounds a lot like our contemporary political climate. People who are on the left despise the ideas of the right. And those on the right despise the left. No one ever crosses the aisle. If someone from the other side is walking down the block, you cross the street. If they go right, you go left. While this comparison sounds valid at first blush, it fails when you examine Abraham’s first sentence. He did not suggest their parting because they were on opposite sides. He suggested it because they were brothers. This is perplexing: Why should their kinship force a separation, should it not enable them to find common ground?

It is true that nothing hurts more than a brother who betrays us, but we would expect someone like Abraham to overcome this rejection and reach across the divide. Someone like Abraham, the father of the multitudes, should have been able to look past their divergent opinions and see their brotherhood. Their common root, their inherent oneness, should have been enough to overcome their surface differences.

Carving our Space

The biblical commentaries argue that Lot was indeed too wicked for Abraham to abide him. However, allow me to suggest a novel interpretation. Abraham was not dealing with an equal. He was dealing with a young adult who grew up in his home. Haran, Abraham’s brother and Lot’s father, died when Lot was a baby, and Abraham adopted the little boy. Abraham and Sarah treated Lot like their own child, and when G-d told them to relocate to the land of Canaan, they took Lot along. There was no question of leaving Lot behind. He was like their son.

When Abraham and Sarah traveled to Egypt, and Pharaoh rewarded Abraham with gold and silver, Lot also benefited. As a member of Abraham’s family, Pharaoh awarded gifts to Lot, too. Abraham did not resent this. He was happy. Lot was like a child to him.

Lot returned to Israel with his aunt and uncle, a wealthy man. Now he could finally step out of his uncle’s shadow and establish some independence. Indeed, this is the first time we hear anything about Lot’s opinions or personality. Upon his return, he staked out a position different from his uncle. His uncle understood the Divine gift of land as a long-term promise. Lot claimed it was immediately valid.

If this was, indeed, Lot’s motivation, then he wasn’t driven by G-d’s promise as much as by his desire to establish independence from Abraham. If you say yes, I will say no. If you say white, I will say black. This is common among children raised in the shadow of illustrious people. Those who tower over their community often eclipse their own children. Such children often push back. And Abraham discerned this.

Parenting Advice

Let’s pursue this train of thought and see what unfolds. Abraham doesn’t fight him. He doesn’t turn it into a power struggle. In his wisdom, the father of the Jewish people understands that the time had come for him to step back and let his nephew make his own mistakes.

In this light, we can understand his response to Lot. Let’s make space for your growth process. You are old enough to make up your own mind and do not need me to tell you how to think. Go ahead, my child, and establish your homestead. I will not stand in your way. In fact, I will give you all the space you need. If you move to the left, I will move a corresponding distance to the right. I won’t make you do all the relocating. We can share that burden. The process of growing our own wings does not need to be a child’s fight. It should be something parents and children learn and do together. Parents realize that the time has come to pull back, and the child takes their first tentative steps into independence. Parents don’t always approve of the children’s choices, but they realize that they have done all they can to equip their child to make choices. Now that the child is making choices, the parents need to make space for them by stepping back. The time to mold their child has passed. Now it is time to let their young adult find their footing. Parenting transitions into a hands-off relationship. It is much subtler and harder to do, but if done correctly, the child will eventually appreciate it and love them all the more for it.

The Rest of the Story

Lot moved to Sodom, where he showed his true colors as a man of greed. In Sodom, Lot found a like-minded society that enjoyed their wealth and drafted laws to ensure it could never be shared. Lot settled among them and never pursued his national claims again. This suggests that his dispute with his uncle was never about national aspirations. It was simply about greed. He wanted what others owned. (Perhaps he made his national argument knowing that pushing back with an argument based on G-d’s promise would carry more weight with Abraham than a greedy land grab.)

Yet, bullies who thrive off other people’s suffering never succeed for long. At some point, their avarice catches up with them, and that happened to Sodom. When they offended the wrong person, refusing to pay taxes to the regional overlord, he raised an army and marched against them. He defeated the wealthy men of Sodom and took many, including Lot, captive.

This is when Abraham demonstrated that the space he gave Lot was born of love, not malice. When Lot was in need, Abraham waded into battle at grave personal risk and saved him.

Love and Respect

With this, our patriarchal father taught us that parenting is a blend of respect and love. You can’t smother a grown child with love and micromanage their affairs. That deprives them of the space they need to grow. You must respect them enough to give them their space. However, respect alone is also never enough. In the end, every child, no matter how old, needs to know they are loved. They have a funny way of showing it during certain stages of their lives, but they always need it. Abraham demonstrated this dual approach with his nephew Lot. He gave him all the space he needed, including the space to make unwise choices. But when Lot was in need, Abraham marched right in to save him. With this, Abraham demonstrated that Lot was more precious to him than life itself.